ChiKat

I have two brothers. My youngest is safe in the cornfields of the Midwest studying cryptography. My other brother just completed Marine Security School and he is off to South America to provide security for an embassy there.

Honestly, I'm having more trouble with this than when he was in Iraq. At least Iraq was just nine months. This is three countries in three years. He is thrilled because he wants to see the world. But it's such a long time for him to be away! He probably won't be home for Christmas or the usual birthdays. I'm going to miss him so much.

On the bright side, we're already planning a vacation to visit him. I've never been to South America, but I'd love to see Machu Picchu. The Galapagos Islands sound pretty amazing, too. I have no idea how my son will do. It will involve a very long plane ride, followed by new foods and high altitudes. But he's an adventurous little boy, so I'm optimistic.

I started work again and it has been going well. It's good to get away for a few hours and focus on writing. Plus, the luxury of knowing that my boy is with my mom is so awesome.

My son has started eating solid foods, which means that he is nursing less. This is a huge freedom for me. Now, when he starts crying uncontrollably, green beans can calm him down almost as much as I can. I'm no longer tethered to him. Which makes me feel a teeny bit sad. That's female hormones for you. I spent six months complaining about nursing, and now that it is slowing down, I'm complaining about *not nursing*. Even I get exasperated with the way my brain works sometimes.

I find it interesting that in the 1970's, it was a luxury to be able to give your baby formula. Now, it's a luxury to be able to stay home and nurse, or buy the expensive pump so you can go back to work and still provide breast milk.

People often say nursing is so much cheaper, but that is only if you don't value the time it takes the mother to be available to the baby. I feel so lucky that I'm able to be home with my son, that I can nurse him when he needs to be nursed. That I can play the day away with him.

But it's good to get away those few hours each week. I just have to make sure that when I'm in a meeting, and someone gets upset, I don't start singing "Baby Beluga".

What can I tell you? I'm starting work again today. My mom will watch my son once a week in the afternoon so I can get some writing done. The rest of the week, I will squeeze writing into nap time and down time. We will see how it goes. I'm not thrilled to be working again, because I seem to want to spend every second with my son, but I think it will be healthier for both me and my son.

My husband started work. It's an hour commute by public transportation, which is a huge adjustment for us. But we're figuring out how to make it work. One option is to move closer to his new work, but he will only be there for about four years. I'd much rather stay here and move once this new job is complete…hopefully into a house somewhere in the city. I'm saving like mad to try to make that dream a reality.

In the meantime, I don't want to leave this neighborhood. There are still tons of areas I don't feel comfortable in, but I really love it here. I love raising my son here. I love the parks, the lake and all the new construction activity. It's an exciting place to live. Who knows…maybe one day we'll even get a restaurant and a grocery store!

I haven't been posting. I can't say I'm suddenly going to start posting anytime soon. I wanted to let you know that things are well, that life is returning to normal. But I'm not sure how the blog fits into all of that. I've been writing here for more than a year. I'm starting to suspect I've said all I need to say online.

Pregnancy is an incredibly unique experience. Despite how much or how little a woman prepares for it, I don't know any woman who felt like she was in control while she was pregnant. Nature takes over, whether you like it or not.

I know some women who ate well, exercised their entire pregnancy and still gained a ton of weight. I know other women who ate whatever they wanted and gained hardly anything. In my case, I exercised, ate well and was blessed with good genetics. I gained 25 pounds. I was back to my pre-pregnancy shape a month after giving birth.

What's been weird for me is the reaction from other women about my shape. I've had several women look at me and say, "It's women like you who make it hard for the rest of us!" They smile when they say it, but they don't sound happy.

Other women say, "You lost all your pregnancy weight already? I still have mine and my youngest is five…" and it's said with such sadness, as if I have reminded them that they have somehow failed as a mother.

I have no idea how to respond to these comments. They aren't really compliments.

Saying "Thank you" feels like I am validating their unspoken statement that I have bested them somehow.

Giving them a long-winded speech about how I ate well, exercised every day, and still have to fight arthritis pain to care for my son seems a little pretentious.

Pointing out that their comments further a culture of competitive mothering seems a little too aggressive for me.

So far, I've avoided direct responses my burying my head in my son's neck and asking the women if babies ever do this thing called sleep…you know, at night? Maybe more than three hours?

As I mentioned in my last post, a lot of people blame my son's behavior on my diet. People make that connection because I'm breast-feeding, but one of my girlfriends pointed out that the connection never ends.

Mothers so often seem to feel like their worth is wrapped up in the behavior of their children. I see it in myself already. If my son is screaming while we are out, I am totally stressed because I feel like I am doing something wrong. My husband doesn't *like* to hear my son scream, but if my son starts screaming in public, my husband is more inclined to shrug his shoulders and say, "Eh…he's a little crabby right now…". My husband doesn't feel like a bad parent because his son is having a bad day. I can't say the same about myself.

When my son is being a pill, I feel like I failed as a mother. It shocks me to feel this way. And then I think about all the well-behaved kids I know, and all the times I've said, "Yeah, she's such a great mom." because I associate the children's behavior with mothering.

That makes the situation suck even more. I want to rail against society for putting undue pressures on women, then I realize I'M society.