ChiKat

I updated some of my favorite links on the left. I've added some Chicago blogs, like "The Chicago Schools" and "Hype Park Progress" which are both pretty amazing.

I also updated "About Me". It's always fun to spend some time being self-centered enough to think of 100 tidbits about yourself.

Man, I am really wasting my son's naptime today, aren't I?

One of my big concerns about the South America trip is that I have been talking my husband into going on the trip. He loves the idea of the trip, too, but he is often in love with the *idea* of things and not the *actuality* of things.

I'm the one that usually plans trips and drags us out the door. Then he has a great time.

I think this trip will be the same, but if something goes wrong, I will feel like it was 100% my fault. We aren't making these decisions together. I am talking him into the decisions. So if something goes wrong, like the very likely chance that my son will get a headache from the high altitude, I will feel like it is my fault. If something serious goes wrong, like a bad reaction to the Yellow Fever vaccine, I will be buried under the guilt that I will pile on myself.

When we made medical decisions for our son before, like deciding about circumcision, we both believed very strongly in our opinions. I feel like we split the responsibility for the decision-making equally.

With this trip, my husband knows how much I want to see my brother, so I think he is letting me talk him into things that he isn't really comfortable with. That makes me feel the weight of responsibility even more.

At the same time, if I don't drag us out the door, I'm fairly convinced my husband wouldn't leave the condo until our son was 18.

On a day-to-day basis, my husband is much more daring and adventurous than me. He barrels down the mountain on his snowboard, zipping through the trees with no concern at all. I snow plow down at a snails pace.

But when it comes to our son, my husband is much more protective. I guess since I'm already so cautious, I don't feel the need to be MORE cautious just because I have a baby. My husband, on the other hand, has had to make some pretty big lifestyle changes to accommodate the pace of a baby. I think his pendulum swung from thrill-seeker to safety-net, but maybe it's still needs some fine-tuning because no matter how much I bundle that child up, my husband is always hovering with an extra blanket, an extra hat AND the suggestion that we just stay inside.

Ugh. My dog just threw up, which caused my son to burst into laughter. While I raced to get paper towels to clean up the puke, but son tried to beat me to the puke so he could play with it.

Gross.

We are thinking of going to South America to visit my brother. If we do, we will need to get a Yellow Fever vaccine. Children under six months aren't allowed to get the vaccine. It's not recommended for children under nine months. After that, apparently it becomes safe. My son would be getting the vaccine at twelve months.

It's very hard to be responsible for someone you love so much. I don't want to turn into a hermit, but my natural instinct is to say, "if it's not safe at nine months, how much safer is it three months later?"

It would be horrible if something bad happened to my son through some random act. If something bad happened based on my decision, I think I would blow my brains out.

In addition to the questions about the vaccine, there is the general safety issue. The area we would be visiting is considered by the State Department to be a "medium to high crime threat" country. We would need to avoid public buses and shared taxis because tourists are kidnapping targets. My brother tells me that when someone is kidnapped, they are taken somewhere and must hand over their ATM card and their pin. Then they are released. He assures me that the kidnappings are rare to begin with, and are even more-rarely life-threatening. But…still. Kidnapping.

My brother has lived in this country for several months. He loves it. He loves the people. He travels all over the place. He is so happy, and wants to share this amazing place with us. It would be an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime experience. To make it even more amazing, we would also go see Manchu Picchu. How fabulous would that be?!

I am so excited about the idea of seeing South America and the incredible Manchu Picchu. But not at the expense of my son's health or safety. I am trying to weigh the risks.

It is such a new experience to be this responsible for one tiny creature.

I'm talking all about segregation and Woody is talking about taking the white kids out for $20 martinis. It must be a 5th ward thing.

=)

I think our talk about a house is shelved for awhile. The homes we could afford all needed work. If we were already stretching ourselves with a mortgage, it just doesn't seem feasible to afford home repairs in addition to the mortgage.

I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I am still very happy with our neighborhood. My husband is pretty sick of it, with the violence and the long commute, but I love our condo and our access to the lakefront. I could be happy here for a few more years, and I think we could even fit another baby into this space. It would be snug, but cozy.

On the other hand, I was excited about the new neighborhood. It was a racially diverse neighborhood, rather than the homogeneous white suburbia I grew up in. I liked the diversity, but what mattered even more to me was the economics.

My current neighborhood has a median household income of $21,000. Over half the residents are on public aid.

The potential neighborhood has a median household income of $59,000.

From living in this neighborhood, I've learned that race doesn't divide us as much as income.

I live in this neighborhood, but I'm not running into my neighbors at the currency exchange. I'm not meeting them at the public aid office. I'm not shopping at the dollar store or eating at the fast food chains.

Just by being here, I'm driving up the cost of housing in the neighborhood. And at some point, I'm going to save enough to move out of this neighborhood. One day I will be able to afford that house with the yard. And I think that luxury, that economic luxury, keeps me segregated way more than race does.

I was teary today, and spent a lot of time trying to cuddle with a squirmy little boy who would much rather bang pots than cuddle.

Alexa, whose blog I've been reading for years, lost one of her twins at 22 weeks. Alexa has been writing abut her "science babies" since she found out she was pregnant. It was so clear that she loved her babies and wanted them to be healthy and safe.

I remember the apprehension I felt before every doctor's appointment when I was pregnant. Your body does so much work creating a child, and you have so little control over it. You put so much pressure on yourself to do everything right when you are pregnant, pressure that is reinforced with every doctor's visit and every judgmental glance from others, but in the end you are powerless against the whims of Mother Nature/God/randomness.

I completed this year-end summary last year, and thought it was worth repeating this year:


1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I became a mom, which was a pretty mind-blowing experience.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said I would go to the dentist (which I did for the first time in four years, and yes, I had several cavities); have a healthy kid (check); not freak out about stupid stuff (check, but mainly because I'm too busy chasing the baby to notice stupid stuff); and not lose myself to motherhood (check; I love being a mother, but I have been able to remember that I am also a wife, daughter, writer, artist).

This year I resolve to (1) go back to the dentist and actually get my cavities filled (2) paint, which is something I haven't done for over a year (3) write fiction, which is something I never do because I spend all my writing energy on my job or this blog.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Me. One of my girl friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't leave the country. We did take our five-month-old to Colorado, which was a wonderful vacation.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A full-nights sleep.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 2, when my son was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being a great mom to my son.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The dog respects the baby more than me, mainly because I am a huge pushover when it comes to dog training.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
It was a great year. I had an arthritis flare a month after giving birth. It was mainly in my wrists, making it hard to lift the baby. I thought I would have to stop nursing and go back on medication, but the flare subsided and since then I have been feeling great. I still have arthritis pain, but it's only a two or a three on the pain scale. It rarely keeps me from doing activities.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A haircut. A month after giving birth, I left the baby with my husband for the first time and got a haircut. It wasn't a great haircut, but it represented a lot to me. I could trust my husband with the baby. I could leave the house and focus on myself instead of mothering. It represented balance and self-preservation at a time when every hormone in my body was telling me I should just stay home and coo over the baby.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My parents, who became grandparents for the first time and threw themselves into the role with total love and excitement, while still respecting the fact that my parenting decisions might be different from the parenting decisions they made in the 1970's.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
All the people who say, "guns make communities safer". That might be true in rural America, but guns are destroying my neighborhood.

14. Where did most of your money go?
It was the security blanket we needed so my husband could quit his job and find something he really liked...and allowed us to take a vacation during his break from employment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
See answer to question #7.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Coldplay's "Clocks", which was playing while I struggled to NOT deliver the baby in the car on the way to the hospital.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? So much happier, in ways I didn't even know were possible.

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, thanks to not being pregnant.

c) richer or poorer? Poorer...who knew babies use so many diapers?!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Yoga. But I always say that and I never do more of it. I said the same thing last year.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I didn't have to change so many diapers. I have seen way too much poop.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Fishing bits of wrapping paper out of my son's mouth. Wishing my brother was home for the holidays. Thrilled that my other brother was home and enjoying his time as an uncle.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I fell in love with my husband even more, which surprised me.

22. How many one-night stands?
None. This question is so far from the reality of my life right now.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
My brother bought me season 1 and 2 of House, so I'm enjoying that right now.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I can't think of anyone. My hormones have made me all lovey-dovey.

25. What was the best book you read?
I'm reading "A Frontline History of the Abortion War" which is fascinating. I've been reading it for ages. I should probably make finishing it my 2008 resolution.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The internet is an amazing source for lullabies. I went from knowing no children's songs to knowing dozens by heart. I never used to sing; now I sing every day. My son gave me music.

27. What did you want and get?
A healthy baby.

28. What did you want and not get?
A little more peace in the world.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I think the only movie I saw was The Transformers...and it ROCKED. It's not going to change the world, but it was a lot of fun.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33, and we went to the Chicago Air and Water Show with my family. It was a great day.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I wish I felt like the world was getting safer, not more dangerous. That applies to the Middle East, and my neighborhood. Everywhere I turn, it seems there are more and more people willing to kill other people.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
33% hippie; 33% Gap; 34% v-neck to show off the benefits of nursing.

33. What kept you sane?
My husband, for loving me in the midst of crazy hormone changes. My best friend, for pointing out when my hormones were doing the talking instead of my brain.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
We're in the midst of House season 2, so I think Jesse Spencer, the blond doctor on the show, is pretty adorable. My husband thinks the girl on the show isn't hard on the eyes, so it works out pretty well for us.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Education in the city. I hate the fact that I don't feel like my son would be safe at a public school.

36. Whom did you miss?
My brother, who started a three-year embassy tour that will take him around the world.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My son. He's spectacular.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Not all labor contractions move to the front. I only had back contractions, so my doctor and all my pregnancy books said I was only in the early stages of labor. But my husband and I went to the hospital anyway. I'm so thankful we did. If we had waited another hour, my son would have been born at home. Since my son was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and needed help breathing, I am so thankful we were at the hospital when he arrived.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Singin', come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities
Am I, a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease

Ugh. My insurance company is dropping Rush. Ian has been to the same pediatrician since, literally, the day he was born. But now I have to find a new doctor because the insurance company is fighting with Rush about rates.

Healthcare in this country is so frustrating. I'm not changing employers, I'm not missing my payments. I signed a contract with them, but they can change their network at any time. That doesn't seem fair at all.

Thankfully, Northwestern is covered by the insurance company. I just have to blindly select a new doctor and hope we can build the same kind of supportive relationship that I have with my current doctor.

If anyone loves their pediatrician at Northwestern and would recommend them, let me know

When we moved into this condo, we spent about three months making changes to ensure the space would work for us. After three months, we declared it "perfect enough" and haven't done major work since then.

One of my concerns with a house is that fixing up a house isn't as easy. The benefit of having more space means…there's more space. I'm not Martha Stewart, but I do like to make our home look nice. My husband and I both know enough about remodeling to be dangerous.

We don't have a ton of money. The spare money we do have, we like to spend on travel. I'm worried that if we buy a house, I'll get sucked into wanting to make it perfect. I'm worried I'll spend our spare money on housing repairs and not vacations.

This worry isn't keeping me up at night – I mean, what a great problem to have: how to spend spare money. But it's something I contemplate when I think about where I want us to live. I grew up in the suburbs and there is a huge part of me that loves the idea of having the house-picket-fence childhood for my son. But there's another part of me that is fairly convinced I'm a better person when I'm living in the city. I see more of the realities of life; I have to make due with fewer things; and I have a better sense of my priorities. I'm worried I'll lose that if I buy a house and throw myself into home-ownership.

With a condo, it's easier to end remodeling. You only have control over your small, interior space. With a house, it's much easier to continually find new areas to improve (Add a deck! Finish the basement! Plant an herb garden! Paint the exterior!). I can imagine myself enjoying that a great deal…so much so that I forget the other things I also enjoy.