ChiKat

Twice now my husband and I have had the strange experience of having an African-American apologize to us for the behavior of another African-American. The first time we were walking along and noticed two men yelling at each other. One of them seemed pretty drunk and was swearing a lot. We didn’t pay much attention as we passed them, but a few minutes later, the other man caught up with us and said, "I'm so sorry you had to see that. It's n******s like that who give us a bad name."

My husband and I didn't really know how to respond. Being from white suburbia, and then Seattle, I can honestly say I have never actually heard someone use n***** in conversation. In movies or in music is one thing, but having someone say that on the street was pretty surprising. We murmured something vague and moved along.

The second time we were walking along when a black man stumbled into us while asking us for change. Afterwards, a black woman approached us and told us not to judge the community based on "the trash you just saw".

Again, we weren't sure how to respond. It was such a strange situation. There are a lot of trashy white people, but I've never felt like I should apologize for a white person's behavior…except maybe the President's.

When I first moved here, I was convinced every car alarm was my car being stolen. Every bang was a gunshot. Every thump was someone breaking in.

I just realized that I left my balcony door open for the last three hours. My purse and laptop were within two feet of the open door.

I guess I'm much more comfortable here than I was a couple years ago.

Having said that, I'll probably be mugged tomorrow.

[My apologies – this post is really Southside-centric]

MP also wrote, "…don't move into the black neighborhood if you are going to be scared or uncomfortable"

MP, I agree with you, but I still struggle with that part. When we moved here, I did my best to feel as comfortable as possible. I went to neighborhood meetings, I checked out local stores, I explored as much as possible.

For the most part I was rewarded. There are only a few restaurants here, but some of them are really great. I will weep when I can't shop at the local produce store anymore. I love my mechanic, even if I have to hike 15 blocks south to reach him.

But I'm still not brave enough to shop along 63rd. Will I be as comfortable at Daley's as I am at the French bakery? Daley's used to be Irish-owned! It's one of the oldest restaurants in the city! But I still haven't been brave enough to try it. You tell me – am I missing out?


PS
MP -- Thanks for your comment! It really got me thinking about life here.

In Friday's comments section, MP wrote, "I believe that most people (non blacks) who have moved into this neighborhood have no real intention on staying."

I totally agree with you, MP. Of all the white people I know, only one couple moved here simply because they liked the neighborhood. Everyone else I know (who is white) is here because the neighborhood is close to their job. If their job changes, most of them will follow their job rather than deal with a long commute just so they can stay here.

Of the black people I know, the commute played a role in the decision to live here, but so did family ties, having friends in the area, and a desire to live in a primarily black community instead of a primarily white community.

Having more than just a job connection makes it much more likely that people will want to stay here long-term. This neighborhood takes effort. We are lacking a lot of conveniences, like restaurants and retail stores. Crime, particularly violent crime, is still high. There are fabulous things about this neighborhood, but I think most of us agree that we are still "up and coming" and not "there".

I want my son to have a house of his own. I don't want him to have to grow up in a condo, constantly being shushed because I'm worried about being too noisy for the neighbors.

I want to be able to let my dog run around the back yard.

I want to not hear gunshots and the squeal of tires, followed by police sirens.

I want to not be hated on sight because I represent gentrification.

I want all of that, but I don't want to move to the suburbs.

I have mixed feelings about moving. I already mentioned that I think we would be better off financially if we stayed here a few more years.

Aside from that, we are an easy 30 minute drive to my parents' house. I visit them weekly, so it's nice to be so close.

On the other hand, visiting my sisters-in-law is torturous. They live 60 miles away, but they live 60 miles NORTH which means we have to travel the length of the city to get to them, fighting traffic the entire way. If we lived on the north side of the city, we would be farther from my family, but it would be much easier to reach in in-laws. I really love my in-laws, and I love that my son has cousins his age on that side of the family, so being closer to them would be nice.

Plus, I have to confess that my husband is totally sick of living on the south side. We love how close we are to the lake and the parks. But the retail wasteland is getting to us.

We have our little produce store that we love, and a wonderful little toy store. We have our perfect, charming French bakery. But that's about it.

We're by a large university that owns a ton of land. They are pretty famous for blocking retail development, so it doesn't look like we're going to get more stores anytime soon. Maybe our new alderman will change that, but so far I haven't heard anything to suggest that I might be walking distance to a grocery store anytime soon.

We always knew we wouldn't stay here forever. But I've gotten kind of used to being the random white girl in the 'hood. If we do move north, it will be a bit strange to be one of the majority again.

My husband's job hunt continues. We had a long talk about what we wanted from life (time for our son, to live by family, time to travel, time for hobbies) and decided all of our needs really boiled down to more time. His job has kept him insanely busy and we've discovered that we're just not the type of people who devote all of their energy to their career.

Ok, anyone who knows me already knows that is true about me. But it's a new realization for my husband and he's struggling with the decision to give up a dream career not because he can't hack it, but because he doesn't want to hack it. Hacking it takes up too much time, time much better spent on other things.

What does it all mean? We're not sure yet. I'm hoping we can stay in our condo a few more years. We're half a block from a new development that is slated to be completed next year. After the completion, I think our condo would be a lot more attractive to buyers. It's financially in our best interest to stay here.

But if my husband finds a job in the north suburbs, the commute would kill him. My dream is for him to find an exciting job close-by (or at least accessible by public transportation). If that happens, we can stay here for awhile and move when the market is better for us. But he's looking at job opportunities as far away as Madison, so I'm not sure what's in store for us.

Today, my primary client is hosting a barbeque. I'm attending. It will be a nice chance for me to show off the baby, and chat about returning to work.

Yeahhhhh…about that returning to work. I have no idea what I am going to do. I really believe that returning to work is the best for me mentally. Having 10-20 hours each week dedicated to non-baby work is a very good thing. Plus, with my husband losing his job at the end of July, the extra income is nothing to sneeze at.

But all I want to do is cuddle with my baby. I'm dragging myself to this party. My job is totally ideal. I work from home 90% of the time. The remaining 10% of the time, my mom is willing to watch my son. I couldn't ask for a better set-up. It all makes total sense in my head.

But I still don't want to spend a single second not devoted to my son. Which reinforces in my head this idea that time away would be a really, REALLY good thing so I don't become obsessed. But is being obsessed with loving my son a bad thing?

These days, with my arthritis pain in full swing, I haven't felt like leaving the house that much. Instead, I hang out inside with my boy, cooing at him and cuddling with him.

Across the street, there is a new building going up. I've been watching the construction with vague interest. There were a bunch of burly, grizzly looking men who dug up the earth to make room for the basement. Then a bunch of large, old men came to lay the foundation. Now the brick-layers are on site. Interestingly enough, brick-layers are young, fit, tan men. The view isn't so bad. I'm suddenly much more interested in the construction of the site than I was a few weeks ago…

I ache everywhere. I can't curl my toes because they are swollen. My ankles crackle when I walk. My knees send shooting pain up my legs when I try to stand up. My fingers look like sausages. My writes have jutting bumps that are red and warm. My shoulders can hardly support my baby when I am burping him.

All in all, arthritis sucks. Time to go back on the restricted diet. It's hard enough to cut out dairy and sugar. But these days I visit family so much more. I already feel bad demanding a vegetarian diet. Putting further restrictions on what I can eat while visiting them is such a hassle. But the arthritis pain has really gotten out of control. I don't want my son to see me constantly wincing in pain. I have to fix this.