ChiKat

I spent the weekend vomiting. This is delightful, because several people have told my husband that a woman isn't "really pregnant" unless she's been sick. So ha! It only took me seven months, but I am now, officially pregnant! Everyone can rest easy knowing that I have SUFFERED as, apparently, pregnant women are supposed to do.

No idea why I was sick. I didn't eat anything unusual, and I felt fine afterwards, but I couldn't keep anything down the entire weekend. Amusingly enough, the strangest part of the whole weekend was not feeling hungry, even with an empty stomach. After seven months of being able to eat huge portions of food every five minutes, it was a bit of a shock to not feel hungry.

Today, I'm back to normal. Please pass the apples.

My husband is always a little uncomfortable telling people that I work part-time. He's especially uncomfortable telling people that I do most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. It's so…1950s. He considers me a feminist, so he has a hard time reconciling his view of feminism with the fact that I own a book called "The Simple Art of Napkin Folding" (and, worse, that I USE the book when I throw a dinner party).

He wants people to see me the way he sees me, as someone he considers intelligent, creative and adventurous. But when he mentions that I don't work full-time, he gets the sense that people assume I am a Stepford wife.

I believe that we, as a society, are wrestling with the conflicting demands from work and home-life. We're trying to find the right balance at a time when two-incomes are almost always required, but don't always make everyone happy.

A few generations from now, I believe we'll have found the right balance between bread-winner and parent. But until then, I think it's worth pointing out that it's not just the women who get a lot of judgment about their career and parenting choices.

This weekend, a flyer was left on my car promoting David Neely for alderman. The campaign flyer had all the usual topics, like improving education, promoting business development, and gun control. Along with the list, there were several pictures supporting the campaign promises. There was a black student graduating from school, there was a black businessman, etc.

One of the pictures made me roll my eyes. It was a man with a gun, along with a big X through the picture. I assume this was for gun control. What made me roll my eyes was the fact that the man in the picture was white.

Now, if Neely was using the picture to suggest that the root cause of violence is white people SELLING guns to black gangs, then I'd be all for that message. But I didn't see Colt, Ruger, or Smith & Wesson mentioned.

If Neely was using the picture to suggest that there was a problem with police violence, again, I wouldn't have a problem.

But Neely listed gun control, and then showed a white guy with a gun, as if to suggest that the violence in this neighborhood was caused by white thugs.

I'm not saying that white people don't commit violent crimes. But this flyer was for my neighborhood. In this neighborhood, the people shooting the guns are black. If Neely can't be honest about that, he'll never be able to fix the problem.

I shop at a little produce store in my neighborhood. It's a small space, arranged in a u-shape, so if you enter the store behind someone, you usually follow that person around the store. I entered the store behind a man and his 4-year-old daughter. The man treated the shopping trip like an educational trip. There was a lot of instruction along the lines of "move out of the way so you aren't in people's way" and "be polite and say thank you when someone hands you something."

The man got in line behind the deli counter. I was in line behind him. A woman and her 10-year-old got in line behind me, but the line was a bit jumbled, so the 10-year-old was standing next to the man and his 4-year-old daughter. The 10-year-old looked at him and said, "What are you ordering?" She said it in a very stilted manner. She was standing a little too close to him. All in all, she was just a little off. Because I have a relative who is autistic, I recognized immediately that this girl was also either autistic or developmentally challenged. The man, however, didn't recognize that. He looked at her annoyed and said, sharply, "Genoa salami."

He turned a little as he said it, trying to end the conversation. Adults pick up on those cues. Kids don't. The little girl asked, "Genoa salami? What's that?"

That man signed and said, "It's salami! What do you THINK it is?" and totally turned his back on her.

If it was a random guy, I don't think it would have bothered me so much. But I had just spent 15 minutes listening to the man try to teach his daughter manners. Apparently, he was willing to tell his daughter what good manners are, but he wasn't willing to show his daughter good manners, like being polite to a curious 10-year-old.

Having a relative with special needs makes me sensitive to the issue. So when the 10-year-old retreated from the man and started a conversation with me, we had a rousing discussion about the merits of grocery lists. It would have been hard for the man to ignore the conversation, because we were standing less than a foot from him. I'm glad for that, because anyone listening to our talk would realize the 10-year-old had developmental challenges. I hope the guy was uncomfortable with the realization that he was an ass to a special needs kid.

Today is my mom's 62nd birthday. We're taking her to see Wicked, then we're showering her with gifts. She'll be happy to be surrounded by her family, but she'll be missing my brother who is back in California. He isn't due to return to Iraq for at least a year, but he is in the military for three more years. Those years wear on her. She worries about him. It is not an easy path for families when their children are in the military. The low-grade worry is constant.

We hear from my brother a lot. He was promoted while he was in Iraq. With each promotion, he is required to take classes before he can earn another promotion. Right now, he's in a computer networking class. In other words, he is insanely safe right now. My younger brother, who just turned 21, is probably more in danger from bar fights or stupid behind-the-wheel decisions than my military brother. But that doesn't change the fact that I have one brother "safe" at college and the other in the Marines. My mother worries.

My mother also worries about me. Every wet road is a possible disaster for me and my pregnant belly. I offered to fix her earrings the other day, and she told me I couldn't because I wasn't allowed to be around superglue fumes. I have no idea what superglue fumes could do to a fetus, but apparently it is detrimental.

My mother worries about my baby shower, because she thinks her house won't be pretty enough. She wants to remodel, but she and my dad have been saying that for YEARS and nothing has happened. So some of her worries are big, like my brother's safety, and some of them are small, like the upholstery on her couch.

My wish for my mom's birthday is no worries in her 62nd year. I know that's not a realistic wish, but I dream big.

I've noticed that many women expect some kind of justice involved in pregnancy. The most common "law" I've encountered is that if I have an easy pregnancy, I'll have a hard labor. This drives me nuts. My sister-in-law had a tough pregnancy. She was uncomfortable for all nine months, she had gestational diabetes, she retained water. All in all, she was miserable. You know what? Her labor sucked. There was no "justice" for her. But none of that matters to her, because she has a healthy little girl who is perfect.

Thankfully, my sisters-in-law never mention the rule of "good pregnancy = bad labor", probably from experience. But several aunts and friends have mentioned this rule. Some are almost gleefully waiting to hear the horror story that will be my labor story, because that will balance the scales. I've been too lucky this pregnancy.

The whole attitude makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Really? There is justice to pain? Ok, how about my "easy" pregnancy being the balance to a lifetime of pain from RA? Is that balance? How about my "easy" pregnancy being a balance to my fear that I won't be able to hold my baby because I will be crippled by RA pain after delivery. Is that balance?

I don't have it as worse as many women. That doesn't mean I somehow DESERVE to have it worse.

I'm due in three months. I'm on track to gain 20-25 pounds, which is exactly the amount of weight my doctor recommends. But because most women gain more than 35 pounds during pregnancy, I'm a bit of an anomaly to the women I know.

When I mention that I am due in April. many women remark on how small I still look. My husband asked me if I enjoyed hearing that, because it was nice encouragement to continue my healthy eating. But I told him that when I heard the remarks, I often hear the undercurrents also. When women remark on how small I look, their tone suggests that something is wrong with the baby. I am too small, based on their experience. When I reassure them that my doctor is very pleased with my progress, they look at me doubtfully and either (a) remind me not to put my figure before my baby's health or (b) woefully mention that they gained a ton of weight during pregnancy and had a tough time losing it.

Option (a) is insulting to me. Option (b) is insulting to them. Worse, both suggest that my experience should be evaluated and compared to their own experience, as if we are in some kind of competition to be the best pregnant woman. As if pregnancy guarantees a healthy kid, an honest kid, a college graduate.

I want to feel a sisterhood with other women, this club called "mom" that I'm entering. But like most things women-related, the entry fees seem to be judgment, self-flagellation and condemnation.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Lots. I went to Manhattan, finally. I started a blog. I got pregnant. It was a great year.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes. Last year I vowed to have a healthy diet in an effort to ease my RA pain. I threw myself into the project and I'm a total believer that it worked. My doctor doesn't believe it, but the lack of pain in my joints tells me that last year's resolution was a success. This year, I'm all about having a healthy kid, not freaking out about stupid stuff, and not losing myself to motherhood.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin. My sister-in-law. We have a surplus of babies in our family right now. Mine will be just one more to add to the fray.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But we're still adjusting to life without my grandmother, who died in 2005.

5. What countries did you visit?
Italy. Otherwise, it was all U.S. trips: D.C., New Jersey, Manhattan and Galena.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A healthy kid. Pre-pregnancy thighs. Peace in the Middle East.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day we found out we were having a baby. It's etched in my memory, but I'm too lazy to walk over to the calendar to look up the actual date. Regardless, sometime in July was a very memorable day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
A happy marriage. In some sense, it doesn't take that much work because my husband is fabulous. But in another sense, marriage is hard work. My husband and I work our butts off to stay happy. He's my top priority. We're both a little freaked out trying to understand how to juggle being parents and being spouses, but I have faith that we can make the right choices for our family.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The dog still won't heel for me. He heels for my husband, but he knows I'm a pushover. However, this spring I'll be walking him AND a stroller, so I have to really get serious about training him. I can't have 92 pounds taking me for a walk.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Everything was either the usual RA stuff, or pregnancy-related. It was a good year, health-wise.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Dinner for my mom in Italy. My brother and I treated her one night. She was so touched, she burst into tears. After a year of mourning for my grandmother, and worrying about my other brother in Iraq, it was good to see her tearful over joyful things like tiramisu.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Our military. There are offenses and occasional problems, but 99% of the men and women who serve our country do it honestly and courageously. They keep us safe.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The President's and Rumfeld's, for not admitting or correcting mistakes. Chicago politicians for awarding Todd "I have no qualifications" Stroger the Cook County Board presidency. Illinois politicians for not coming up with an alternative candidate to our corrupt, ineffective governor. Honestly, I'm a Chicagoan -- I can handle corruption if it gets the job done. But Rod does nothing for the State. His latest move is to nominate McEwen to head the Department of Children and Family services. McEwen used to run four child-care agencies that were SHUT DOWN by DCFS because the agencies violated DCFS code. And yet he's going to run DCFS now. Great. My list of politicians who appall and depress me could go on, but I'm getting too stressed out just thinking about it, so...next question...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Regular savings, retirement savings, saving for baby, saving for Christmas. I squirrel away money.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
See answer to question #7.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
None. I'm terrible with songs. I rarely listen to music. Actually, I'm just a terrible listener in general.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Probably a little happier. We were still adjusting to life in Chicago at this time last year. I think I'm more comfortable with our move home and my job this time around.

b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, but dude, I'm pregnant.

c) richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to the stock market and Smith Barney.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Yoga. But I always say that and I never do more of it. I'm lazy.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Agonizing about our noisy downstairs neighbors rather than pounding on their door and telling them to turn it down.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Baking. Eating. More baking. Wrapping. Unwrapping. The usual.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I stayed in love. That's harder.

22. How many one-night stands?
No. See answer #21.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Eh. I'm not really into anything this year. Maybe Grey's Anatomy, but I could live without it.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Todd Stroger is new on my list. Let's see...Cook Country totally over budget? Let's install a private elevator as the first order of business! Great!

25. What was the best book you read?
The Omnivore's Dilemma, although I still haven't finished it. I recommend it to everyone. It's not a touchy-feely vegan book. It's a serious book about government policy and the impact on our national diet. I'm madly in love with it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
See answer #16.

27. What did you want and get?
My little quote from "Last Fragment" at the top of this blog speaks to this. I want to feel loved. I feel loved.

28. What did you want and not get?
Perfect skin.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Little Miss Sunshine. It's the only one I can remember right now. Thank You For Smoking was good, too. I think I saw that this year.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Is it terrible that I can't remember? This list is getting very hard. I think my husband made me dinner. I turned 32. I remember that I was happy and I enjoyed my birthday, but I can't remember what we did.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having my brother in a war zone. Not having any of our military in a war zone.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I'm pregnant. Nothing fits me. I hate all maternity clothes. Don't talk to me about fashion, unless it's to bless Michael Kors for making empire-waist tops.

33. What kept you sane?
Who said anything about being sane?

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I saw Prairie Home Companion and fell madly in love with Merlyn Streep. I have seen her in interviews and she is very controlled and poised. Yet in Prairie Home Companion, she's so carefree and loose. I don't know how she has the courage to lose herself like that. I think she's amazing.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Where should I start? Probably Iraq, then ethical issues, then corruption, then the stranglehold lobbyists have on Washington, then stem cells. Again, must stop answering this question...blood pressure rising....

36. Whom did you miss?
Bill Clinton.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My new niece. I think she is going to be a delightful person.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Just wishing your neighbors would be quiet doesn't work. ASKING them to be quiet sometimes does work.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Ugh. Have I mentioned how much I don't listen to music? But there is one song that caught my attention. I've had a great year, but I don't think our country has had a great year. Part of the problem is our politicians, but another big factor is the apathy of the American people and the dumbing down of the media. So the song lyric that sums up the year for me is:

Don't want to be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information age of hysteria.
It's calling out to idiot America.

Happy new year! Hope you are recovering from the festivities.

In honor of the new year, I will share with you one of my pet peeves that I am determined to let go and make peace with.

Once a week, a guy comes down our alley to inspect our garbage. If he sees something interesting in our dumpster, he takes out our trash bags and rummages through them. He leaves the trash strewn across the alley. Once a week, I put the bags back into the dumpster and silently (or not so silently) curse the guy. What drives me most crazy is the fact that I have never, EVER seen him take anything.

When we first moved in, I felt really bad for the guy because he was always going through the trash. I was totally curious to see what he was looking for (Food? Furniture to refinish and resell? Credit card slips to steal our identity?), but every time I see him, he dumps out our trash, sifts through it, and then leaves. He repeats this process at every dumpster in our alley. He never takes anything.

I don't know what he's looking for, but I wish he'd find it rather than littering our alley with trash. In the spirit of the new year, when I am collecting all the strewn garbage bags he takes out of our dumpster, instead of cursing the man, I am going to wish him success in his treasure hunt.