ChiKat

Two years ago today I was diagnosed with RA. I had been married eight months. I had been having random flares for years, but the months leading up to the diagnosis were by far the worst. We had no idea what was going on. Everyday was worse than the one before. I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and moving around. I walked hunched over from the pain. I hobbled because my feet hurt so much. I couldn’t brush my hair, because I couldn’t lift my arm that high.

During all the pain, and all the fear, I leaned on my husband a lot. I never once doubted that he would support me. After the diagnosis and subsequent medications, when I was feeling better and more normal again, my husband confessed that he was really scared during that time. And he was angry. He wanted to know where his beautiful wife was. He went to bed with her one night and woke up with an old woman.

It was shocking to hear him say that. My initial reaction was, "you mean that when I was hunched over, hobbled and had a rats nest for a hairdo I wasn’t…pretty?". But after that knee-jerk reaction, I totally understood and valued what he was saying. When we weren’t sure if I would get better, he loved me regardless. But he mourned losing his pretty wife. He mourned all the hiking, skiing and biking we weren’t going to be able to do.

MIM started an internet firestorm some time ago about by talking about "false advertising" in marriage. She used as an example women who have long sexy hair before marriage and then immediately cut it off once they get married. I knew the type of woman she meant. There are some women who cut their hair because it is a hip new look. There are other women who cut their hair because they are done: they are married and don’t have to try anymore.

My RA was the ultimate false advertising on my body’s part. I went from being a beautiful bride to being a crippled crone. But despite his fears and his anger, my husband stood by me. He loved me and was strong for me when I needed him most.

On my two-year anniversary, I’m taking a moment to savor how far I’ve come, how much of this disease I have conquered. Even more importantly, I’m taking a moment to appreciate how much my husband has given me. I never want to take it for granted.